EDITORS NOTE: What follows is a monologue written as part of a planned entry into the Golden Poo Awards 2012 Short Film Contest. Unfortunately time got away from me and there’s no feasible way to create a viable entry before the deadline. Therefore, I’m posting the script here with the hope that it might in some small way help raise awareness on an important issue. Also, for those of you who may be wondering, the traditional way to start a sea story is with the phrase “this is a no shitter”. Enjoy!
My name is David Daedalus and this is a no shitter.
In 2004 I was deployed to the kingdom of Bahrain as part of US Coast Guard Patrol Forces Southwest Asia Unit 3950. While in country I was tasked with defending BASREC shipyard from attack while our patrol boats underwent maintenance.
The facility was staffed largely by foreign nationals who, unlike myself and the other members of my unit guarding the facility, were forced to poop in a hole in the ground. The hole was enclosed in a rickety shack and on the floor was a filthy hose with which they could rinse. Understand that when I say filthy, I mean it was coated in a thick and viscous layer of stale piss and shit. As if squatting atop a mountain of human waste baking in the desert heat wasn’t bad enough, these guys had no way to clean their hands or their asses without grabbing hold of a unrine-caked garden hose.
Having grown up in an affluent country, it never occurred to me that access to a toilet, soap, and water was something afforded to me only by virtue of my good fortune at being born in the United States of America. In this day and age it is absolutely ridiculous that anyone should have to suffer and die because they lack the requisite social standing necessary to take a dump with dignity and be able to wash their hands afterwards.
To find out how you can help, please go to POOPCREATIVE.ORG, and share this message with your friends and loved ones because while everyone poops, billions of us have no means of doing so in peace.
And that my friends, is not only a travesty, it’s is a no shitter.